Beyond "Just Getting Over It": The Neuroscience of Healing Trauma and Finding Love

We often hear the phrase "just get over it" or "it's all in the past" or even "it's water under the bridge" when it comes to past hurts. Simply whoever makes such statements are shutting down a victim who is suffering trauma, and that shutting down is saying your voice does not matter, your suffering is irrelevant. Yet they simply haven't a clue what is going on in your shoes and indeed they would not want to stand in them.

"As I reflect back and consider those sort of statements and comments I think about how damaging these were to the domestic abuse and violence I personally suffered. Those people were simply no better than the abuser(s). The lack of compassion and empathy clear and visible in people who claimed they were compassionate and empathic... another method of gas lighting and invalidation by people who claimed to care! I felt isolated from my horrific experience and the invalidations from friends made me more isolated, I shut down and withdrew even more... those friendships ended a long time ago, I was tired of pretending to be happy and sorted I needed to be real" Emma's Experience

And so I hope the following helps and if you feel inspired to learn more then The Advanced Insights into domestic abuse and violence gives a broad knowledge base on various elements of the subject.

But what if "getting over it" isn't just about willpower? What if healing from trauma, be it from domestic abuse or chronic stress, is a deeply biological process? And what if understanding the very chemicals that ignite early love can show us the way back to ourselves?

Welcome to the fascinating world where neuroscience meets recovery.

The Brain's Extreme Makeover: From Love to Trauma

Imagine your brain as a super-responsive computer. When you first fall in love, it's like a dazzling fireworks display:

• Dopamine surges, making you feel euphoric, almost addicted to the new person.

• Norepinephrine gives you that racing heart and boundless energy.

• Even serotonin dips, leading to those all-consuming thoughts about your beloved.

• Then, oxytocin and vasopressin kick in, building trust, connection, and a profound sense of safety.

This cascade of chemicals "rewires" your nervous system, opening it up to connection and reward. It's a biological blueprint for how safe, consistent connection can excite and regulate us.

Now, imagine that same powerful system, but under relentless attack. This is the reality of chronic trauma.

The "Hijack": When Survival Becomes a Trap

In situations like domestic abuse or prolonged systemic duress, your brain's survival mechanisms are hijacked.

• Chronic Cortisol & Adrenaline: Your HPA axis (your body's stress control center) is stuck in overdrive. It's like having your foot on the accelerator for years. This flood of stress hormones wears down your immune system, disrupts digestion, and even shrinks your hippocampus—the brain region vital for memory and context. This is why "brain fog" and feeling perpetually on edge are so common.

• The Hyper-Vigilant Amygdala: Your amygdala, the brain's alarm bell, becomes over-sensitive and constantly blares. It bypasses your rational prefrontal cortex, pushing you straight into fight, flight, or freeze mode before you can even think.

• Traumatic Bonding: Here's the insidious part. When periods of abuse are followed by kindness (intermittent reinforcement), your brain gets a hit of dopamine and oxytocin. This creates a powerful, biochemical "addiction" to the abuser, making it incredibly hard to leave, as the body literally craves the "reward" that follows the threat.

• Vagal Freeze: When escape isn't possible, your Vagus nerve can trigger a "dorsal vagal shutdown." This is the ultimate freeze response—dissociation, numbness, or "fawning" (appeasing the abuser)—a biological strategy to survive inescapable threat.

This isn't about weakness or choice. It's your brain and body doing everything they can to survive an impossible situation.

Recovery: Reclaiming Your Biological Blueprint

The good news? Your brain is remarkably resilient. Neuroplasticity—its ability to reorganize itself—means you can, slowly but surely, reclaim your system. Healing is an active process of "un-hijacking" your biology.

Here's how:

1. Prioritize Biological Safety: Before you can "talk" through trauma, your body needs to feel safe. This means gentle rhythms, predictable routines, and creating environments that soothe your senses.

2. Leverage Neuroplasticity: Every safe, consistent experience, no matter how small, strengthens new neural pathways in your prefrontal cortex, helping to quiet the overactive amygdala.

3. Understand Dopamine Withdrawal: If you're leaving an abusive situation, anticipate the "craving" that comes with breaking a traumatic bond. Knowing this is a chemical withdrawal, not a sign of love, empowers you to push through.

4. Somatic Re-patterning: Since trauma is stored in your body (implicit memory), physical practices like breathwork, gentle movement, or yoga can create new "somatic markers" of calm, literally overwriting old survival patterns.

5. Co-Regulation: Safe, supportive relationships—with therapists, friends, or support groups—help your Vagus nerve shift from defense to connection. Your nervous system literally borrows calm from others.

Survival to Thriving

Healing from trauma is a marathon, not a sprint. It's about systematically teaching your brain and body that the emergency is truly over. It's about shifting from a neurochemistry dominated by cortisol and adrenaline to one rich in dopamine, oxytocin, and healthy serotonin.

By understanding the incredible biology of how we connect and how we protect ourselves, we can approach recovery not with judgment, but with profound compassion and effective, science-backed strategies. You're not "broken"; your biology adapted. And now, it's ready to adapt again, toward peace, connection, and flourishing.